Wildcard
03-31-2008, 08:06 PM
Hey, I'm posting this story to recive con-crit and give this story in my head to the forum, so I can improve it. Hope you enjoy it. As I enjoy writing it.
So, thanks in advance for taking your time. If you see anything that could make it better please tell me.
Before anybody asks, I can look at their stories after your done with giving me con-crit. But I'm not sure you'd want it as I am not a very harsh critic.
Now..on with the story.
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Shockwave
--------------------
Proluge
1:23 PM, October 26th 1982
To think this all started because somebody wanted to get their weekly salary! Dr Turner thought while rapidly typing on a keyboard somewhere in a dark laboratory filled with supercomputers.
"How close are they?" Another occupant of this very vacant laboratory asked in a nervous tone of voice.
"Less then five miles away!" Dr Turner yelled to his associate.
"So what now?" A gruff voice called out from behind the doctor.
"We’re gonna be used as the man's lab rats, that’s what!” Another voice answered from the same direction.
Behind Dr.Turner there was a squadron of about eight soldiers decked out in blue colored, crystal suits, and wielding powerful assault rifles.
"Nonsense!" He called out to them "It has been tested before, we have worked out all the bugs this time!"
A few of the troops showed reluctance on their faces, they knew that they would mostly likely die long before they reached their destination. They all stepped into a small metallic-blue colored chamber filled with stray wires and complex machinery.
"Okay troops!” The apparent leader of the squadron yelled, and began a quick lecture on their mission. "Our mission is to kill everything in the area that is not confirmed friendly, and we must accomplish this task in four minutes, before the tracers find the doctor's location. If we don't," he took a quick pause, "then we’re all as good as dead!"
He turned to the other seven well trained armed men behind him. "Is your directive understood?"
"Sir, yes sir!" They replied in unison.
"Begin DNA transfer," he said, typing and clicking on the same keyboard. "Shockwave program initiated..."
He paused for what seemed like an eternity to the soldiers. By the looks on the faces, it was obvious they were all thinking the same thing, how the hell did we end up in this mess!?
"Energize!" The doctor said as the chamber was shocked from the outside by what must have been far past the lethal amount of electricity.
The soldier’s first sight was a completely realistic looking pine forest in the darkest hour. Even though they were all too aware this wasn't real, it might as well have been. They couldn't help but be amazed; they still had all five senses in this strange new world! Hearing, touch, taste, smell, and sight. Not just that, but the entire world on which they stood looked as if it was taken out of a photograph.
"Stay focused soldiers! Only 3 minutes and 23 seconds are left!"
The troops quickly advanced on their unseen targets. The soldiers stood in a defensive position to make sure any incoming threat would be quickly eradicated. Ever alert, more then once they nearly shot one of their own men from an unexpected sound of one of them stepping on a wayward branch.
"Over there!" One of them cried as they scattered. Suddenly, machine gun fire came from all around them, catching two of the men in the deadly range.
The six remaining hid underneath a downed tree. Unexpectedly, this move was anticipated and a well planted land mine caught one of them off guard; terrifying another who went down in a crouched position beside his deceased comrade.
"Come on!" The leader said while dragging one away from his dead friend.
"Two minutes left!" The doctor yelled out.
While being they were running off it began to rain in the forested area, making it far harder to see or hear where the enemy was hidden.
"Damn it, Get us out of here doc! They’re already far too advanced for us!"
The leader and the terrified soldier were quickly sprayed with bullets scattering their crystalline armour on the forest floor as five of the enemy soldiers sprinted closer and closer to the remaining three humans.
"We’re gonna die! Why are we even bo..bothering." One of the three mumbled while trying to stay close to his remaining comrades. However he found it to hard to keep the pace and fell behind clutching his chest, and falling to the ground. Soon, an explosion caught him. His body flew up into the air and fell back in it's original position covered in dirt, blood, and mud.
"45 seconds left! Damn it, you’re well armed. Take them out!" Came the obviously anxious voice of the doctor.
The last two apparently could not hear the doctor's voice in the midst of all the panting, explosions, and gunfire.
The last two came upon a tank which quickly blew them away with a single shot of its gun.
"Damn it!" The two doctors’ yelled in unison as their laboratory door was blown in. They fell to the ground covered in machinery caught in the explosion.
Dr. Turner and his associate were soon crushed underneath it, covered in blood. Dr Turner experienced his last thoughts of regret as he slowly faded away...
So, thanks in advance for taking your time. If you see anything that could make it better please tell me.
Before anybody asks, I can look at their stories after your done with giving me con-crit. But I'm not sure you'd want it as I am not a very harsh critic.
Now..on with the story.
---------------------
Shockwave
--------------------
Proluge
1:23 PM, October 26th 1982
To think this all started because somebody wanted to get their weekly salary! Dr Turner thought while rapidly typing on a keyboard somewhere in a dark laboratory filled with supercomputers.
"How close are they?" Another occupant of this very vacant laboratory asked in a nervous tone of voice.
"Less then five miles away!" Dr Turner yelled to his associate.
"So what now?" A gruff voice called out from behind the doctor.
"We’re gonna be used as the man's lab rats, that’s what!” Another voice answered from the same direction.
Behind Dr.Turner there was a squadron of about eight soldiers decked out in blue colored, crystal suits, and wielding powerful assault rifles.
"Nonsense!" He called out to them "It has been tested before, we have worked out all the bugs this time!"
A few of the troops showed reluctance on their faces, they knew that they would mostly likely die long before they reached their destination. They all stepped into a small metallic-blue colored chamber filled with stray wires and complex machinery.
"Okay troops!” The apparent leader of the squadron yelled, and began a quick lecture on their mission. "Our mission is to kill everything in the area that is not confirmed friendly, and we must accomplish this task in four minutes, before the tracers find the doctor's location. If we don't," he took a quick pause, "then we’re all as good as dead!"
He turned to the other seven well trained armed men behind him. "Is your directive understood?"
"Sir, yes sir!" They replied in unison.
"Begin DNA transfer," he said, typing and clicking on the same keyboard. "Shockwave program initiated..."
He paused for what seemed like an eternity to the soldiers. By the looks on the faces, it was obvious they were all thinking the same thing, how the hell did we end up in this mess!?
"Energize!" The doctor said as the chamber was shocked from the outside by what must have been far past the lethal amount of electricity.
The soldier’s first sight was a completely realistic looking pine forest in the darkest hour. Even though they were all too aware this wasn't real, it might as well have been. They couldn't help but be amazed; they still had all five senses in this strange new world! Hearing, touch, taste, smell, and sight. Not just that, but the entire world on which they stood looked as if it was taken out of a photograph.
"Stay focused soldiers! Only 3 minutes and 23 seconds are left!"
The troops quickly advanced on their unseen targets. The soldiers stood in a defensive position to make sure any incoming threat would be quickly eradicated. Ever alert, more then once they nearly shot one of their own men from an unexpected sound of one of them stepping on a wayward branch.
"Over there!" One of them cried as they scattered. Suddenly, machine gun fire came from all around them, catching two of the men in the deadly range.
The six remaining hid underneath a downed tree. Unexpectedly, this move was anticipated and a well planted land mine caught one of them off guard; terrifying another who went down in a crouched position beside his deceased comrade.
"Come on!" The leader said while dragging one away from his dead friend.
"Two minutes left!" The doctor yelled out.
While being they were running off it began to rain in the forested area, making it far harder to see or hear where the enemy was hidden.
"Damn it, Get us out of here doc! They’re already far too advanced for us!"
The leader and the terrified soldier were quickly sprayed with bullets scattering their crystalline armour on the forest floor as five of the enemy soldiers sprinted closer and closer to the remaining three humans.
"We’re gonna die! Why are we even bo..bothering." One of the three mumbled while trying to stay close to his remaining comrades. However he found it to hard to keep the pace and fell behind clutching his chest, and falling to the ground. Soon, an explosion caught him. His body flew up into the air and fell back in it's original position covered in dirt, blood, and mud.
"45 seconds left! Damn it, you’re well armed. Take them out!" Came the obviously anxious voice of the doctor.
The last two apparently could not hear the doctor's voice in the midst of all the panting, explosions, and gunfire.
The last two came upon a tank which quickly blew them away with a single shot of its gun.
"Damn it!" The two doctors’ yelled in unison as their laboratory door was blown in. They fell to the ground covered in machinery caught in the explosion.
Dr. Turner and his associate were soon crushed underneath it, covered in blood. Dr Turner experienced his last thoughts of regret as he slowly faded away...